


Back to December

by LetThatBeOurLegacy (Moreanswers24), supernatural_mondler (1DE3shipper)



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Grief, M/M, Mental Anguish, Panic Attacks, Reconciliation, Self-Destruction, Some aspects of Alternative Universe, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-04-12 12:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19132132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moreanswers24/pseuds/LetThatBeOurLegacy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/1DE3shipper/pseuds/supernatural_mondler
Summary: The last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me roses and I left them here to die.





	1. Then the Cold Came

**Author's Note:**

> After months of random conversations on Twitter, we're finally here.

It had been two weeks since the special election had been held for the California 47th Congressional District and the Democratic nominee, Samuel Norman Seaborn had been defeated.

It had also been two weeks since Joshua Lyman, Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States, had seen his boyfriend in person. He had wanted to stay for the election and be by his side, but the tax bill they were trying to get passed needed to be carefully guided through Congress, or it would fail. These were some of the cons in being the so-called “bulldog” of the administration. Toby had thankfully volunteered to stay behind, and in all honesty, when it came to Sam, he trusted Toby more than anyone. 

But three days ago, when the bill successfully made it out of sub-committee and then committee, Josh had delegated any work to his assistant deputies, scheduled his vacation time, and got on the first plane to John Wayne Airport.

As he got in the cab and gave the driver Sam’s address, he couldn’t help but feel elated. While he knew that he would spend a majority of his week here with Sam helping him cope, he was just so glad to be with him again. When Sam was feeling better, he also had some exciting news for him. Something that would change their relationship for the better. 

After sitting in traffic for 30 minutes, they finally made it to Sam’s building. 

Although it was a highly residential area, he was lucky that there was at least an over-priced grocery store that sold a decent bouquet, what looked to be a pretty good imitation of Sam’s favorite dish in the hot case, and a six pack of beer. He took the purchases and his luggage and went to Sam’s building. Luckily the building was high-end enough that it had an elevator so he wouldn’t have to climb three floors. A sweaty version of himself was not how he wanted to greet his boyfriend. 

Finally, the elevator reached his destination, and Josh quickly exited, heading towards Sam’s door and taking a deep breath before knocking. 

The door opened, and it was evident that the two weeks had taken a toll on Sam. 

Josh cursed himself for not coming sooner.

* * *

If at all possible, it seemed that Sam’s hair was longer than it had been two weeks ago, and when he opened the door to greet Josh there was an unrecognizable emotion on his face that made Josh uncomfortable. He pushed these feelings of discomfort down and smiled anyway, setting all his stuff down and stepping inside Sam’s apartment to give him a hug and then a kiss.

“Hi, Sammy,” he murmured into Sam’s neck. Sam wasn’t easing into the hug, so Josh pulled back and tilted his head, before reaching out to stroke Sam’s cheek.  His normal routine in kissing Sam.

Sam twisted his head out of the way before this was possible, however, before looking down and muttering. “Come on in.”

Josh grabbed all his stuff and stepped inside. The place was a mess, setting off another warning signal that something was not right. Sam Seaborn was someone who kept his work and home environments immaculate. 

“What are you doing here?”

Josh went and got a clean glass from Sam’s cabinet to put the flowers in. He turned on the sink faucet filling the glass up and then set it on the cutting board. 

“It’s time for me to take care of you. Give you some TLC.”

“You didn’t need to do that. You should be in Washington.”

Josh rolled his eyes before heading back to the door and grabbing the food and beer.

“I know, Sammy, but I wanted to do it.” 

He placed the food in the microwave and rummaged in one of the drawers for the bottle opener. “Besides.” He looked up and softened a bit. “I love you.”

Sam said nothing, and there were a few moments of awkward silence before the microwave went off. 

Josh went to the microwave and took out the food, trying to ignore the growing pit in his stomach.

_“Just breathe. He’s just in shock. Sam loves you. Do not overreact. Just get him food, a beer, and a blanket. Let him open up.”_

Josh took a breath, straightened, and grabbed the food, utensils, and beer. He set all of it on the small coffee table set up in front of the couch and the tv and then grabbed Sam by the hand, pulling him down onto the couch with him.

“It’s your favorite. Well, what looked to be a pretty good imitation of your favorite from that store across the street.”

For the first time, Sam’s face softened, and a little smile appeared on his face. Josh beamed and kept going, quickly grabbing what he guessed to be a clean blanket (since it was the only thing folded in the room) and put it on Sam.

“And I got some beer and brought some movies. And we’re just going to focus on taking care of you: Get some California sun, take some naps because it looks like you need it, other activities, and so forth. That sound good?”

Sam nodded slightly, but the openness he had seen a few minutes earlier when Sam first started to eat the food had disappeared, and Sam was once again closed off. 

He didn’t know what to do. Sam was always fantastic at knowing precisely what Josh needed in times of crisis, and right now, Josh felt helpless. He knew though that he had a whole week to turn it around and he was resolved to do so.

Suddenly a thought came to him. The news that he had wanted to share with Sam when Sam was feeling a little better might be the push they needed to get the coping started. He had initially felt that it would be better to do it later on in the week, but there was no time like the present.

He took a breath. “Sam? I have some exciting news I want to share.”

He smiled as Sam looked up from his food and turned towards him.

“I know that all of this has been hard for you. But I just want you to know that I love you. I love you, and I am so proud of you. You came and you ran and even though you didn’t win,  you basically changed the discourse of this district. Hell, you got the D-Trip to want to invest in all races. You did good.”

He took Sam’s bowl out of Sam’s hand, putting it on the table, before enclosing his hand with Sam’s and bringing it up to their eye level.

“I love you, and I want the whole world to know, Sam. I want everyone to know that I love you and you are mine and I am yours. President Bartlet, Leo, Babish, and I came up with a plan. We’re going to make you a Senior Advisor to the President, and because you won’t be my subordinate anymore, we can be together in public. We don’t have to hide anymore, Sam.”

He kissed Sam’s hand, full to the brim with delight, and looked to see what Sam was thinking, but strangely, Sam’s face was blank. 

“What do you say? We still have this entire week to start making you well, and then I have to go back to D.C., but when I do, I can bring a lot of the stuff you want to keep especially since most of this stuff is rented. But first, we’ll focus on you. How does that sound? Just me and you? Taking D.C by storm? But in the right way?”

Still nothing.

Josh tilted his head, his smile wavering a bit, but began to raise his other hand to try and stroke Sam’s cheek.

For the first time since he had been there, Sam showed quick movement. Quick movement in gently, but firmly, smacking Josh’s hand and abruptly getting off the couch, dropping the blanket on the floor. 

Josh was confused and a little startled. “Sam?”

“God! Why did you have to tell me that? Can’t you see I’m upset, Josh? How could you think I could process something like this”

Josh didn’t know what was entirely going on, and he somewhat knew that what he told Sam wasn’t the leading cause of the outburst. Still, he didn’t want to push and he didn’t want to fight. He stood up and calmly walked towards him, wrapping Sam up in the blanket once more and hesitantly stroking his hair.

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have unloaded all of that on you right now. I’m sorry. How about we go get that movie about the pirates that have pizazz from my bag?”

“You mean The Pirates of Penzance?”

“Yeah, that’s that pirate movie.”

Sam sat down, almost as if the outburst had never happened, and Josh began to set everything up. Once the movie ended, Josh woke up Sam, who had started dosing off near the end, and got him to the bed. Luckily the sheets were still clean, but in the morning he decided he would wash them, just in case. 

He climbed into bed behind Sam, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him close. Things would look better in the morning. He knew they would. 

* * *

Three days later and things were still off. Sam was going through the motions, giving one-word responses, and while Josh had gotten him to clean up and get outside, he was continuing to be different. Most of all he was distant. 

As he stood at Balboa Pier, watching as Sam got them each a hot dog for lunch, he knew that he would have to bite the bullet when they went back to the apartment in an hour or two.

When they got back to the apartment, Josh did that exact thing when Sam was looking in the fridge.

“Sammy? What’s wrong? I want to help. Please, let me in. Is it-Is it about Washington?” He hesitated to bring this up, but he wanted to cover his bases. 

“If it is about Washington, I was honest when I said I wanted to do all those things. I did clear it with Leo and the White House Counsel. But-“

He took a deep breath and prepared to backtrack. “If you don’t want to do that, we can just keep going like we are already are. I love you, Sam. I don’t care.”

He looked at his shoes and started to rub at his chest, trying to calm himself. By the time he looked back up, Sam was still looking in the fridge. He hadn’t said a word.

Josh was getting frustrated, and although he tried his best, it couldn’t be helped. “I can’t help you. I can’t take care of you if you don't let me in, Samuel. I’m worried about you.”

No response.

“Was it something I said. Talk to me, please. Is it something someone said to you? Is it something that you want to talk to someone else about?” 

No response.

“Please. I’m only here for four more days. I want our time to be good together. I know it sounds like I’m guilting, but I’m lost. I don’t know what else to do. I want to make sure you feel a bit better before I go back to Washington. So that we can start planning this new phase of our life together.”

And just like that, Sam slammed the fridge door and turned around. “For God sake’s, Josh. You want me to open up. Fine, I’ll open up. I’m not going back to Washington. Is that what you want to hear?”

Josh paled. “What? What do you mean?” 

Sam gave out a bitter laugh. “You honestly think I can go back to the Beltway now that I lost?”

Josh struggled to put words together as he began to taste something bitter in his mouth. Eventually, he did. “Of course you can. Who cares what the Beltway thinks? Most of the time, they think I am going to be the ringleader of a coup. It’ll just be you and me. It doesn’t matter. They don’t matter.”

Sam shook his head in disbelief. “Josh, you are one of the brightest political minds in the Democratic Party. Stop being so fucking stupid. Get your head out of the clouds.”

The bitter taste intensified and he could feel his breathing quicken. “But I’m not. It’s true. It doesn’t matter. And you know why it doesn’t matter? Because you have me and I have you. And we can be out in the open. The way it should have been since the beginning.”

Sam smacks his hand hard on the kitchen counter, and Josh tries his best not to startle, trying to utilize the techniques that the therapist, the one Stanley had recommended to him, taught him. 

“Damnit, Josh! I’m so tired of Washington. I need a break. You keep pretending that everything hasn’t changed. You keep forgetting that I came here and lost. Like that doesn’t mean something. That the world is different. I need a break. ”

“You won’t let me in? How am I supposed to know anything? I’m _trying_. And break? Like what? Like you staying here?”

There was no response.

Josh tried to kickstart his brain into reasoning this out. “Okay. Well-Um-Long distance is going to be hard, b-but we can do this. I can take more business trips and state visits. Pass more things off to my assistant deputies.”

Sam walked towards him, and Josh felt a bit of hope in his chest, the tightness fading a bit. Then, Sam spoke in the quiet, monotone voice he had been using for three days. 

“You are so dense. Why are you so dense? Don’t you hear me? I can’t do Washington anymore. And I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you. You are just too tied up in it all.”

The bitter taste in his mouth came back in full force, and his chest tightened. 

You-You’re saying you want to break up?”

“Yeah. I think it’s time. I can’t be in Washington. I can’t handle being with you.”

“You can’t be serious. Sam, can’t we talk about this? This was going to be a new start. I love you. Please?”

Sam shook his head. “It’s over Josh.”

Josh burst into tears, quickly on the verge of hyperventilation, and tried to walk towards Sam. Sam promptly walked past him to the door. Josh turned to face him.

“But I love you. And you love me; I know you do. Shouldn’t that be all that matters? I love you. I need you in my life. I love you so much, Sam. Isn’t that enough? Shouldn't I have a say in this?”

“It isn’t enough. And Josh, if you think about it, is it love? I don’t think it is. If it were, it would be enough to stay. You’re not enough to stay.”

With that, Sam walked out of the apartment.

Josh promptly fell to his knees, rocking back and forth as he sobbed. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but by the time he had calmed down to the point that he was cognizant, he got up and started throwing stuff in his bag. Josh tried his best to ignore the now wilting flowers that hadn’t lasted the minimum of seven days and grabbed everything he could find that he brought. He was just about to step out of the bedroom when he paused by the nightside table. There, in a silver frame, sat a picture of him and Sam. Taken a few months after they started dating. It didn’t give anything away, but they both looked so happy.

He nearly broke out in tears again, but he stopped himself, grabbed the picture, and he made his way out of the apartment. He didn’t use the elevator this time, choosing to use the stairs to make it to the ground floor and out of the complex. 

He got to the street and called for a taxi, having it go to the hotel closest to the airport. Josh wanted to get out of California.

By the time he got into a room, paying an utterly ridiculous price for it but not caring, he set his luggage and immediately called the airline, requesting an earlier flight. 

The earliest flight was at ten the next morning, and he promptly took it. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was only five pm. But he began to ruffle through his bag, pulling out his dob kit to start his routine for bed. 

By the time Josh was finished, he had thrown his clothes in his bag and pulled out the blue pajamas C.J. had given him putting him on. He called down to the front desk to set up his wake-up call and then closed all the blinds and shades to make it as dark as possible. Making sure everything was in order, he filled up one of the glasses with water and pulled out the sleeping pills he had been prescribed, but barely used. 

He took one and chased it down with water. He needed to even out, and he needed not to think of yet another thing he lost. Another person he failed.

* * *

By the time he had gotten to Washington DC the next evening, Josh had become numb. He took the subway to get home and although he had no urge to eat, attempted to choke down some pudding. No one knew he was back yet, and for that, Josh was glad. He wasn’t ready to face anyone. 

He stayed in his apartment for the next day and a half, only venturing out the mid-Saturday afternoon. He didn’t know where he wanted to go, but he found himself in Sam’s neighborhood. Or what was Sam’s neighborhood? There was a moving truck out front, but he paid no attention to it, and he walked up into the building using his key to get inside and headed to Sam’s apartment.

If he had paid more attention to the moving truck and the people moving back and forth from there to here, he would have quickly discovered that it was from Sam’s apartment that they were moving boxes. 

Instead, Josh was caught off guard as a mover brushed past him carrying Sam’s stuff out, and the landlord stood just inside the apartment supervising.

He watched in pain as the place that he loved, the area that housed the person he loved, became empty and unfamiliar. As it became just an empty shell of what it used to be. 

The landlord finally took note of him standing there 20 minutes later, and his eyes lit up in recognition. Sam’s landlord had always been friendly when Josh had bumped into him. He was also, at least to Josh’s knowledge, oblivious to the true extent of Sam and Josh’s relationship. 

“Mr. Lyman. I was hoping to see you.”

Josh was taken aback.

“I have a box for you that Mr. Seaborn said was full of your belongings. I also need any copies of the key that you might have.”

Josh said nothing, but nodded and reached for his keys, his hands shaking.

“The movers are so quick. When Mr. Seaborn had told me two weeks ago that he would be moving out, I was saddened. It is a wonderful hat he gets to start again in California though. He is from out there, I learned. But when he called me two days ago to see if it would be possible for me to supervise the movers, since he was such a good tenant, I was more than happy to.”

The landlord’s words hit him like a gut punch. Sam had known that he was leaving two weeks ago. When Josh had called him a week ago, Sam hadn’t said a thing. Josh shakily handed him the key and nodded.

“Thank you. Now, let me get you that box.”

The landlord stepped inside the apartment and quickly came back with a bankers box full of stuff. “Here you go, Mr. Lyman. I do hope we bump into each other again.” With that, the landlord went back to supervising, and Josh left. The walls were beginning to cave in. He needed some fresh air.

By the time, he made it back to his apartment; Josh was physically and emotionally exhausted. There had been too much walking, and with his capabilities, he shouldn’t have done it. Josh knew that he had a physical therapy appointment coming up, but he thought he maybe would cancel it. Being exhausted wasn’t what he needed. 

The banker's box sat on his kitchen table, and Josh was hesitant to open it, but he also just wanted to get it over with. Slowly, he took the lid off, and he broke into tears at the first item he saw in the box.

An old burgundy Harvard sweater that belonged to Josh that Sam always loved to wear. He took the sweater out and brought it to his face.

It still smelled like him, and Josh was flooded with memories. Memories that felt like knives stabbing him as they resurfaced.

The box promptly went under his bed, and the sweater was placed in a donation pile.

Josh went back to bed.

* * *

Leo McGarry was used to working on Sundays now. He found he got more done, with fewer people around to bug him. 

Today when he came into work, and he asked the security guard by habit if anyone else was in, he was shocked when the security guard responded that yes, Mr. Lyman had come in about 30 minutes ago.

Leo immediately went to Josh’s office. The kid wasn’t supposed to be arriving in DC until early that afternoon. 

He passed through the bullpen and like the security guard had said, there sat Josh in his office, head down, going over memos and call sheets that had been staffed out.

“Josh? Kid? What are you doing here? I thought you were coming back this evening.”

Josh paused in his reading and continued to stare at the papers in front of him for a moment, but slowly looked up. 

It was clear to Leo from Josh’s eyes that something was wrong. Very wrong.

“Josh? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. There was just a lot of work I needed to do. So, I came back early.”

“Josh, what happened with Sam? Kid, talk to me.” Leo said firmly. He wasn’t buying this, and he could feel a sense of paternal worry begin to rise.

“Leo…” Leo’s urge grew as he saw Josh’s eyes get bright, but not in a right way.

“I just…I have a lot of work to do.”

 


	2. Turn Around and Make it All Right

“Well folks, in about 20 minutes we will reach our destination. Local time is 2:30 pm. It is a brisk 59 degrees outside. Partly cloudy, so make sure to get those jackets out of your carry-on bags. We know you have many choices for flying in the skies today, and we appreciate you choosing us. Flight attendants, please prepare for landing. Welcome to Washington, D.C.”

It had been three years since Sam Seaborn had stepped foot in Washington D.C and there was a part of him that felt like it had been too soon. He felt the urge to get out of the plane he was in and just head to the ticketing desk to reschedule his return flight to California.

On the other hand, he knew he couldn’t. When Josh had shown up two and a half days ago at his office (a move that brought back so many repressed memories from a lifetime ago), he knew he had to come out here to at least hear him out. There was also a little niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t place when he had seen Josh in the sunlight and not the fluorescent office lights. Like something was off. 

He had ignored it. That responsibility to dive into every niggling feeling had ended when he had decided to stay in California and break it off.

There had been a time, three months after the breakup when he thought he had made a mistake. 

He had been talking to his mother about what he was going to do next, especially since he had finally ditched the shaggy haircut and didn’t feel the sting of embarrassment as much anymore. While Sam and his mother did not have a close relationship, once he had decided to leave Washington and somehow had heard that he was no longer seeing Josh, she had stepped up.

He had been talking to her about the different law firms he was applying to be an associate at, including his father’s corporate law firm and the Los Angeles branch of Gage Whitney, and she had made an offhand comment about him finally getting out of the little exercise that he had been doing. 

While he initially didn’t think anything of it, when it finally dawned on him what she said, he had been immediately confused.

_“Exercise? What do you mean exercise?”_

_“Well, Samuel, politics wasn’t for you and wasn’t what you were supposed to be doing anyway. If it hadn’t been for that Joshua Lyman character, you would have been happy right now.”_

_“But…I was happy. I didn’t regret any of it. And Josh. Josh, he pushed me, but I wanted to do it. We were going to do it together. We did do it together. I-“_

_“Samuel, darling, it’s okay to admit that he pushed you to me. Besides, now you are here, and he’s back over there, and you are-“_

_“Just making the biggest mistake of my life. I hurt him. I let him leave. I told him I didn’t love him. Oh, my God. I need to call Josh, and I need to get to Washington and-“_

_“Samuel!” His mother’s yell broke him out of the tizzy he was in and stopped his hand in its place from reaching for his cell phone._

_“Now Samuel, calm down darling. You’re second guessing yourself. You know you made the right decision. I’m sure Mr. Lyman is fine.  You know applying for these positions is the right thing to do.”_

That had been the end of it. He had applied for the positions, and just like he had at Dewey Ballantine and Gage Whitney, he quickly rose through the ranks and made partner. He never called Josh either; even if he had, it wouldn’t have been good for either of them (no matter what the tiny voice in the back of his head had told him).

He was shaken out of his reverie when the plane shook and then finally slowed as it began to taxi to the gate.

Twenty minutes later, as he made his way through Dulles airport, his attention was suddenly caught by the newspaper stand. He stopped, unsure of why it had caught his attention in the first place and walked towards it. 

Sam mostly ignored international publications and focused entirely on the domestic ones. Despite being out of politics for three years, he was still a little bit in the know of party politics and the goings on of the Beltway. Sam had mostly stayed out of the 2006 election, not paying attention until it was time to vote for the general. He knew though that what he had said to Josh two days prior was true. It was a fantastic thing what Josh had done with Santos, especially since the party had not been happy that Santos was running and that there were rumors (that were sure to be false) that the White House was unhappy with Josh’s decision as well. 

The national publications were mixtures of dedications to Leo and coverage of the transition. There were also reports of fighting between the transition team and the White House. What stuck out though, were the pictures of Josh. He looked so haggard and pale. Even more so than he had looked two and a half days ago. Sam shook his head, closed his eyes, and opened them. Sam decided that he must be tired and that his eyes were playing tricks on him. There was no way Josh looked like that. There was no way that Josh could look that sick.

He shook his head and began to walk towards the baggage claim once more, and while he still held the conviction that he needed to just firmly let Josh down and tell him that he would help with the speech and that was it. To keep his wits about him. To brush aside the sentimentality he had with Josh. However, the little niggling feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn’t place when he had seen Josh in the sunlight and not the fluorescent office lights were beginning to nudge at him a little harder. As if he was intentionally missing something.   

He took another deep breath and kept walking. He had a hotel to get to.

* * *

While Sam had initially decided that he was going to head to the OEOB after he checked in, once Sam reached his room he felt no desire to leave and instead chose to spend his time in bed.

When he headed to the OEOB the next day, he wasn’t surprised that there was already a visitor’s pass waiting for him at the security desk. He wasn’t surprised with how many people went in and out of offices and cubicles at a frenetic pace. Nor was he surprised that everyone was milling around the central office, hoping to get their job for the White House. Even though Goodwin ran the transition, Sam knew as well as anybody that nobody went to Goodwin unless they had an ulterior motive in getting a job. What he was surprised at was what he saw when he reached Josh’s office.

He was shaving while reading a briefing memo. His office was littered with coffee cups, caffeinated soda, red bull, and sugary products. All products Sam knew that Josh shouldn’t have in excess because of his health. He knew he had joked back in California about Josh’s hair and pallor, but looking at him with all the lines on his face and the thinness of his hair, he regretted not just taking him back to his apartment and making him sleep. The niggling feeling was now becoming a pit at the bottom of his stomach.

Sam took a deep breath and made his first move.

“I may have forgotten about the hours.”

He saw Josh stop in his tracks and look up. There was a gleam in his eye that he couldn’t discern. But then he heard the tremble in Josh’s voice.

“You came.” It was almost as if Josh had been setting himself up for disappointment and didn’t know what Sam’s presence meant.

Sam tried to stay light. “It would seem.” He hoped that his witty come-backs would prod Josh into spilling everything. 

Just like how it was when they were together. 

There was nothing. All Josh did was quickly walk over to a pile of folders and files and hand it to Sam.

A walk where he was trying to hide a limp and that he was having trouble breathing as a result of doing that short form of exercise. 

He watched Josh head back to the desk, and he swallowed the concern bubbling up. It was like Josh was confused with what to do next or where to go. He was looking at the files on the desk, but it was like he didn’t know what they said. 

Worse. It was like Josh wasn’t even here. 

Sam tried again. “Your sentimentality is embarrassing us both.”

Nothing.

“When was the last time you had a vacation?”

Josh’s head snapped up quickly, startled it seemed. Sam felt the pit grow as Josh looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

Sam tried over and over, but nothing got Josh to respond. Even when he got a response, it was a half-hearted one and yet not even focused. Then as quickly as Josh was there, he was gone after receiving a call. 

Now Josh announcing that he was the DCOS, even when he hadn’t agreed to, wasn’t what shook him to his core. It was the fact that he was being haunted by what he saw once Josh get off the phone.

It looked like Josh was drowning and that he didn’t expect anyone to help him.

* * *

He watched Josh walk away and then turned to the two people who were still standing next to him.

“Hi. I’m Sam. Sam Seaborn.”

“We heard. I’m Ronna by the way. I worked for the Congressman-I mean President-Elect.” The young woman smiled hesitantly at him, and Sam took a breath.

“So, who was doing all this before me. I mean.” Sam said absentmindedly as he went through the huge stack. “Most of this is half-done. Who has been doing it?”

Ronna looked at the man standing next to her in confusion and then back at him. 

“He’s been doing it himself I think. Edie went back to the D-Triple-C.” The young man said, looking at Sam. “Also, you used to be Sam Seaborn. The one who wrote all of those amazing speeches for President Bartlet. I looked up to you. Do you think you could help me? I’m trying to get a speeches job and-“

“Otto!” The young woman said in disgust.

But Sam wasn’t listening. He stopped when Otto had said that Josh had been doing it himself.

“Wait? By himself? What time has he been coming in?”

Ronna looked at Otto again and shrugged. “I don’t know. Ever since the funeral, or well really the entire campaign really, but after the funeral, he would be here when we left and here when we came back.”

Sam frowned. “But what about his appointments with his doctors?”

They both looked at him blankly.

“Or at least his visits to refill his medications?”

Otto spoke up. “Medications? Oh, you mean the over the counter ones for eye drops and heartburn and stuff he uses?”

Sam started at that. If they didn’t know when Josh came and went or about any doctors, what that meant was….Oh.

Sam took a deep breath and nodded. “Well, how about I take a look at your work, and I can see what I can do. You wrote the acceptance speech, though, right?”

Otto nodded.

Sam put on a fake smile. It wasn’t necessary for the kid to see how Sam was panicking inside. “Then I’m sure Josh will give you a job. It took a few weeks before I was ever offered anything. Don’t worry. They go down in terms of positions. They want to get the cabinet level people before they usually do anything. I’m going to take this stuff and go to my hotel room. Here’s my number.”

Sam quickly wrote the number down and then promptly left. He hoped that they didn’t call him. He had some things to do. 

As he walked out, he bumped into Donna.

“Sam? Are you here? It is good to see you. How are you?” She said, giving him a side hug.

He smiled. Donna had been one of his best friends, and for a moment, he forgot about his worries of Josh.

“I’m good. Been out in California and when Josh came out to ask for me to come back, I knew I had to at least come out and see. How are you?”

“I’m good. I’m good. Things have just been crazy around here. I’d love to catch up, but I have to go. Maybe if you are free later, we can talk.”

Sam nodded. “I’d like that.”

He smiled and watched as she was about to walk away, but they quickly reached out for her.

“Donna, before you go, can I ask you something?”

Donna nodded.

Sam took a deep breath. “You’ve noticed Josh, right?”

Donna looked at him, confused and seemingly a bit guarded. “Noticed him?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. He’s not looking too hot, physically, or mentally. You know if he’s taking care of himself?”

Sam was shocked when she gave him another confused look. “What? Josh is fine. He's just himself. Monomaniacal Josh amped up to a particular peak of Joshness. You are reading into it.”

Sam tried to hide his disgust and instead only showed how taken aback he was at Donna’s comments. He knew it wasn't her job to notice, but it was so clear to him, how could it not be to her. She often rivaled him in terms of knowing Josh's cues.

“Donna. I don’t think that is true. I think he needs-“

“He’s fine, Sam. Honestly. Just Josh being Josh”

Sam took a deep breath. “Well, thanks anyway. I’ll see you around?”

Donna nodded and walked away.

Sam walked towards his rental car. He had the stuff to do. He needed to hurry too, especially with what he just heard.

* * *

Two hours later, Sam was on the verge of a breakdown in his hotel.

He had called CJ, and it seemed she had gotten word that he was the DCOS, because she railed at him for 15 minutes about how incompetent Josh was and told him he was probably the only smart one in the room. How she knew this was going to happen with Santos and that it figured that Josh would find some way to mess it up and have this man as a President.

The way CJ had described him and then only left for five minutes of small talk before hanging up, escalated the concern Sam had for Josh.

He thought the rumors of the White House not supporting Josh had been false, but hearing this, confirmed them. 

He found it especially funny that everybody in the election of 1998 was pissed at them for running and working with Bartlet because it was likely going to take away from Hoynes. And yet, they were doing the same thing to Josh because he was running against Russell. 

He couldn’t believe how they could underestimate how loyal Josh was. How he certainly didn't leave for fun. How all Josh ever wanted to do was protect the people he loved. Everyone knew that even though Russell was the man to beat, he was nothing but an empty shirt. 

Josh had been alone on the road trying to protect all of them, and they all ridiculed him for it. Even now, Josh was alone. He wasn’t allowed to talk to Toby (who Sam also needed to see), and no one else cared enough about Josh to look deeper. The only one who did was Leo, and he was dead. Sam knew that he had to be affecting Josh as well. Leo was Josh’s world, and he was gone.

His worry didn't stop escalating when he called all of Josh’s doctors. Under the impression that Sam was Josh’s attorney, some of them told him that they hadn’t seen him for 18 months. One hadn’t seen him for three years. That they hoped everything was okay. 

This took Sam’s worry to fear. There were pills Josh needed to survive that he hadn’t been taking.

He paced through his hotel room, and he thought about everything. The pale eyes, gaunt face, pronounced limp, and over sized clothes. How Josh had called him repeatedly before Sam decided to fly out from California, desperate for him to come out, but looking so meek and mild when face to face with him. Almost as if he was afraid. The yelling from C.J. The lack of concern from Donna. Josh’s office covered in over the counter medical supplies, showing a clear sign that something was wrong. The doctors’ worry over the phone. The statement from one doctor that he hadn’t seen Josh in three years.

All of this resounded in his head, and he fell to the floor. He was immediately brought back to three years ago — the cruel things he said and did.

_“It isn’t enough. And Josh, if you think about it, is it love? I don’t think it is. If it were, it would be enough to stay. You’re not enough to stay.”_

_“You are so dense. Why are you so dense? Don’t you hear me? I can’t do Washington anymore. And I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be with you. You are just too tied up in it all.”_

_“I can’t be in Washington. I can’t handle being with you.”_

He left, and everything had started to fall apart. He knew that it wasn’t his fault for what had happened and what Josh was going through now, but he hadn’t helped. 

But he was going to help now. Sam pulled himself up, wiped his eyes, and grabbed his keys.

As he drove, he came up with a game plan. A game plan he executed by going to President-Elect Santos’ office first, explaining in a general sense what was going on and how he wanted to help Josh relax. 

By the way, the man responded, Sam knew that his Josh had picked the right man to run the country. 

Then he walked out of that set of offices and into a war zone. He watched in slow motion as Josh lashed out at Otto. It brought Sam back to December 2000 and the months that followed.  The screaming for someone to listen to him. Please. That he had to listen to him. Sam struggled not to cry as he took the phone gently from Otto’s hands and went into Josh’s office.

It wasn’t Josh, though. It was someone on edge. Someone who was crying out for help and was scared. Josh was a cornered animal. 

* * *

Sam swallowed and closed the door, trying to steel himself. 

“Josh. You need to go home.”

No response.

“Josh. Listen to me. You need to go home. You aren’t doing hot. You are yelling at Otto, it's clear that you are exhausted and sick and-. Let’s go — you and me. I’ll take you to your apartment, and you can get some rest. You-“

No response. Sam began to get frustrated. 

“Joshua. Don’t ignore me. You know I’m right. Now let’s go or I-“

“Leave then.”

Sam was shocked into silence as Josh spoke, his voice a little crazed.

“That is what you were going to say, right? Leave with you, or you are going to go back to California. Leave then. I don’t care. Go. It doesn’t matter anyway. You were just going to leave anyway. Just like everyone leaves. No one cares. You don’t care. Stop pretending.”

Sam tried to breathe as Josh continued to go on. It was hard, though because it was like Josh wasn’t even there. Finally, though, Josh calmed and said in a quiet, yet desperate voice. “Just go.”

Sam got his nerve again. This time he wasn’t going to ask. Just like how it was during their relationship, he was going to tell Josh what needed to be done for his benefit. “No. We are leaving right now. Let’s go.”

Josh looked at him. “What? No, I’m too busy.” 

Sam shot a stern look at him, which also killed him inside. “Don’t care. We’re going.”

Josh didn’t say a word, but slowly stood up and grabbed some of his stuff, putting it in his backpack and headed towards the door. Sam tried to take the backpack away, but Josh refused to let go of it. Sam let that go. At least Josh was cooperating.

He got Josh out of the office as quickly as possible and down to the car before Josh could change his mind

The car he got had been a smooth ride, but with Josh in the passenger seat, it was less smooth. Josh was shaking on the ride to his apartment building and yet dead quiet.

* * *

When they arrived, Sam got out of the car and was about to go up the stairs to the brownstone before he noticed that Josh wasn’t behind him. He turned to see that Josh was still in the car. He walked back down and opened the passenger door. “Are you going to get out.”

He almost couldn’t hear the response because of how Josh whispered it, but when he heard it, his heart broke more.

“If I get out and go in there, I’ll wake up and realize this has all been a dream. You’re not here and I’m alone. And what’s the point.”

Sam held back tears and tried his best to smile. “Let's just get you inside, get you a shower and some food and some sleep.”

He walked slowly with Josh, who still refused to let go of his backpack, hindering his walking even further. It was obvious Josh was in pain and exhausted. By the time they made it to Josh’s apartment, he was breathing heavily, and his pale skin became even paler. Sam took Josh’s key and opened the door, and as he walked in, his resolve to not cry almost broke. 

The office Josh had in the OEOB was a better version of this apartment.

It was littered with coffee cups, caffeinated soda, red bull, and sugary products. Papers were strewn everywhere, and there were so many different OTC medications (some that should not be mixed) that made Sam’s eyes hurt. He put this aside and forced Josh into the shower. As Josh did that, Sam cleaned the apartment quickly. He was disposing of all the different medications and unconsumed caffeinated sodas, energy drinks, and sugary products. He then quickly changed the sheets and hid the backpack in his rental car. 

By the time he was done with all of that though, and he was back in the apartment, it was hard for Sam not to cry. This was the life Josh had been living. Josh had been and was still on the verge of a breakdown, and no one had even noticed. What would have happened if he hadn’t come? Would he have been attending a funeral in a month or less?

It was at that point that Josh came out. “You’re going to leave aren’t you. It’s too much.”

* * *

Sam wiped his eyes. “No, no. I’m not. You need to go to sleep, though. I changed the sheets and-“

“You lost the right to tell me what to do three years ago. I’m fine. Thanks for the shower. Stop playing with me.”

“Josh, please. You aren’t yourself. Just try to sleep, and we’ll start fixing everything in the morning. We have to do this. You need to do this.”

“Or what, you leave? You’ll be disappointed in me. Well, guess what? Everyone leaves. Leo’s dead. The only one who cared is dead. No one is here. So you won’t be the first. Just go. Just go.”

Sam’s tears quickly turned into sobs as he walked towards the man who was falling apart in front of him and wrapped him a hug. 

“I’m here,” Sam demanded. “I’m here, and I love you. I love you, and I care. You are not a disappointment. I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving. You’re safe. I’m not leaving. I love you. You are loved so much.”

At first, Sam could feel the resistance as Josh kept going and tried to twist out of Sam’s arms, but Sam held on tight and kept going. 

It was only a matter of time before he could feel Josh begin to hyperventilate and then suddenly break into sobs, completely collapsing in Sam’s arms and nearly falling to the floor.

Sam held him closer and stroked his hair. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Sam didn’t know how much time passed, but Josh’s sobs had turned into sniffling, and while he was shaking, it was much less pronounced. He helped Josh up, and they went to the kitchen where Sam gave him a sleeping pill and a glass of water (It was the only pill left as all the others had been flushed down the toilet). It was clear that Josh was already exhausted, but Sam wanted to make sure he’d be able to even out and get a full night’s rest. Once that was done, they went to the bedroom where Sam tucked Josh in. 

It was clear that Josh was already exhausted, but Sam wanted to make sure he’d be able to even out. While Sam had intended just to sit there by his side, he was surprised when Josh reached out and said softly, “Hold me?”

Sam held back tears and acquiesced, quickly taking off his shirt and tie, but leaving his slacks and t-shirt on. He climbed into bed, and he quickly wrapped his arms around Josh, watching as Josh fell asleep.

It was 20 minutes after Josh had before Sam noticed that there were still tear tracks on Josh’s eyes and he hated the sight of them. Shakily, not trying to disturb him he wiped them off with his fingers and then quickly wrapped him in his arms again, readjusting him, so Josh was tucked into Sam’s neck. 

Sam kissed his head and whispered. “I’m not going anywhere. I know the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind. You gave me flowers, and I left them there to die. I’m not going to do that. We’re going to get through this. I’m gonna love you right this time.”

* * *

Sam had been dosing when he felt Josh stir. He blinked awake and squinted at the clock. It was at 7 am. Josh had been asleep for about 10 hours. 

“Sam?” He heard a whisper.

He scooted down and smiled softly, stroking his hair.

“You’re still here?”

Sam nodded. “I’m not going anywhere, Joshua.”


End file.
